"Next!"

Well...I can actually say, I have made it through chemo! Having my last treatment of six, several days ago, I have put the first leg of the race behind me. Next will be some 30 daily radiation treatments. My cancer was Stage 2b and my doctor explained that if there are 3 or more lymph nodes involved, which I had 5, that they give you radiation treatments as well. I will also have the drug Herceptin given every three weeks until June 2014. This drug is supposed to help battle HER 2+ which is a gene that duplicates itself and what I have, supposedly hunting down this gene and destroying it or assisting in making my body immune to it. I sure hope it does what it's supposed to. This will only take 30 minutes as opposed to 5 hours for chemo. I will have a consultation with the radiologist in several days, and an echo gram for my heart the same day I have my Herceptin infusion, as this drug is a little rough on the ole ticker. I continue to be so thankful for all the prayers and well wishes that everyone has given up for me. God has a plan in all of this, and I will forever be changed because of it!

"Love Abounds"!

Walking into the treatment room, I see a jam packed room. Furnished with over 20 chemo chairs. Today, there appeared to be one or two open. My husband scurried to place our belongings in one, as I waited for my labs. I see my doctor and one hour later hurry back for my fifth chemo treatment. Having only one more treatment left, I am so ecstatic, even though I realize I am far from "through!" As we sit down, I look just adjacent from us and see a young couple who we met the previous treatment. She is a mid 30's lady with beautiful eyes and blonde hair, which is now replaced with a beautiful blonde "wig". Last month was her first treatment for breast cancer. To her left is a woman who speaks to everyone, and has no reservations of keeping her cancer to herself, telling any and everyone who will listen that she has breast cancer as well. There was a new volunteer named "Nancy". She was the kindest, most caring person I had every met. Nancy shared that just after several months of recovering from stage three pancreas cancer that she had a desire to come back and help others during treatment. She was a God-send to everyone there, offering everything from warm blankets to sandwiches. Soon the room would begin to empty as we had a later appointment and would be one of those, last to leave. I had remembered my doctor telling me sometime before my first treatment that I would be there close to five hours each time, but near the end they could speed my injections up, causing my time to shorten by an hour or so. As my nurse returned to check on me, I asked her if this was possible. She assured me she could and it would be safe. Tired from the day, we would be headed back to Polk County, an hour earlier than previously timed. Just as I was finishing up with my last drug, a lady came in for a 30 minute injection. We didn't have time to speak with her, but overheard her telling her story. She had first been diagnosed with Liver cancer some seven years ago. With surgery and chemo, at that time, they have now found a drug which is beneficial for her liver cancer, so her doctor had prescribed it for her to take for a year and has given her new hope. All of these people, suffering from this dreaded disease called "cancer, somehow causes a bond to form. I realized that in this room, I am no different than anyone else. Each person in here, shares the same grief; some more, some less. As you look around, baldness is nothing to stare at, weakness is not a handicap and kindness abounds. God bless each and every woman who faces the words as I did some six months ago, "Mrs. Edwards, your breast looks very concerning to me!"

"Fourth Down...And It's Not Football!"

Forging on...or can I say..."Fourthing" gone! Today went pretty well, white blood cells were a little high along with some elevation in my blood sugar, which they think is coming from my steroids. Red blood cells a little low. I will be having my "Neulasta Shot" tomorrow, and I'm not looking forward to it! All in all it was a pretty uneventful day of chemo. Our appointment time was a little later than usual and the treatment room was more crowded than ever. A couple in their 30's were sitting adjacent to me and hubby. We didn't speak but to say "hello," but I overheard the lady telling the chemo nurse about her breast cancer, which sounded eerily like mine. As she finished up her treatment before me, the husband stepped over, leaned in to me and asked politely if he could ask some personal questions, I said "of course," knowing that it would be about his wife's treatment. He began by asking how long after the first treatment did I lose my hair, as this was her first treatment. I opened my mouth to speak and hubby's voice came out...each question that was asked to me, hubby would answer. It wasn't long until he had taken out my cell phone and began showing him pics of when I had my head buzzed and the end result...bald! As the couple left the room, you can imagine that I cleaned Hubby's "plow!" I must say, he has been a jewel to me through all this, and I suppose if he has a need to speak for me, I'll allow it for now. I look at him often as we sit through the long 4 1/2 hours. He reads his Bible and all the Christian literature he has brought with him. Thank you God for a husband who loves me and you!

"Minor Inconveniences!"

Third chemo, first week...down! Tomorrow begins my first week of the remaining two weeks, that I get to flirt with "being normal." I'm becoming all to familiar with the routine now. You start out with filling your body with miralax, then drink enough water to float a boat, take your day of chemo, three days of disgusting powder supplements and pills, drink enough water to float an ocean liner, next day, get your Neulasta shot, which will hit you like a ton of bricks by the day after, your stomach will bloat until you think you'll explode, the battle of constipation continues, butt and mouth rashes appear, last two days of the first week, unloading of your body waste via all the laxatives you've taken occurs, making you a prisoner in your house for fear to go anywhere...finally, experience two pretty good weeks and then start all over again. From speaking to friends and strangers who have been on chemo, this routine I have described, is a breeze compared to their stories, so I praise God for it all! I try to refer to it all as "minor inconveniences."

"Elephant or Elbow?"

Busy dreading my treatment tomorrow...I happen to notice a little muffled "ta da" in my right ear on Sunday. Not thinking much of it, I ignore it at first as it wasn't doing it all the time. That night, I began to notice it more. Thinking it felt as if a piece of wax was near my eardrum, As I have experienced in the past, I hurry upstairs in privacy to clean my ears out "with a bobby pin!" I know to most of you that this is absurd, but, for some reason, I have done this for many, many years...Reaching in to give it a whirl, I hit the jack pot, a chunk of very hard wax! I then take a tissue and see if there may be more, but only come out with a spot of "BLOOD!" Now if my husband had known what I was doing upstairs, he would be very upset with me, so needless to say, I didn't say a word other than my ear was bothering me. The next day, my ear continued to do the little muffled noise, so I discovered some ear drops which probably expired 3 or 4 years ago and dropped them into my ear. As it hit my eardrum, I jumped as if I had hit a "jackpot!" I was hardly consolable. I rushed out to hubby in tremendous pain, telling him my sob story...minutes later, my ear stops up...Dealing with it the remainder of the day and night, I am anxious to call my oncologist office to see what to do, since I would be having Chemo tomorrow. The nurse "Willie" is prompt to return my call, instructing me to go to my GP and see what the story is. Off I go, having to confess every sorted detail, and receiving the news that my ear was as clean as a whistle, with no wax or infection, but seemed to have a tiny puncture in the drum. My doctor told me that usually these things heal by themselves, but that I would have some uncomfortable days. He advised me not to put anything else in my ear so it could heal, and that there is a possibility of having to visit an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist, and I sure don't want that! My boss gave me a piece of advice as well as I returned to work. He told me as the old saying goes.."Don't put anything in your ear...smaller than your elbow!" I thought for sure, he was going to say "smaller than an ELEPHANT!"

"Crying Time Again!"

It's a Saturday, prior to the Wednesday that I go for my third treatment. When I rolled out of bed this morning, I knew that it was going to be a "crying day." I have found that when I get in one of these moods, nothing soothes me, like God's Word and fervent prayer. The only thing I can liken it to is the saying I used to hear as a child.."It feels like somebody just walked over my grave." Worry sets in and all the "what ifs" began to speak to you. A look in the mirror doesn't help matters either. I can actually say that I have had the scare of my life, only by seeing myself in all of my weakness. I have heard that during chemo, you have one bad week and two good ones, before you have to go again. But I am learning that the last week for me, can be the worse because I am the closest to my old self. My appetite is back, I am feeling stronger, I enjoy getting out more, and all of a sudden, BAM! I am reminded that only a few more days and I'll have to start all over again... I must stay on guard, on task of being the new label I've been given, a cancer patient. On days like today, I try to count my blessings, which I know are many. I just hope and pray that after all is said and done, God will raise up from the ashes; a new me.

"Hanging in There!"

It's been six days since my second treatment and I must say, I am still reeling somewhat. Bladder spasms, insomnia, a sore tongue and a touch of nausea has been the rule for several days now. Watching what I eat and drinking water is becoming a little annoying but helpful. I know it could be much worse, and I do remember that I dealt with most of the same with the first treatment. I have tons of nausea meds, but choose not to take any until it becomes necessary. Since several have been known to cause constipation and one a narcotic, I'll just try to stick it out, hoping that it will all end soon. The Neulasta shot that I had the day after treatment for the white blood count, was exactly as I had been told, "bone aching." I was sidelined on the couch all day with thoughts that tiny people were walking around my body with long needles, sticking them in my limbs. When my hair began to shed all over several weeks ago, I had it buzzed, I never dreamed I would soon have "stubble." If it all stays in through this treatment, I may have some hair in a few months or so; as gray as my mother's, but at least "hair." Through it all today, I have been to work, made a ton of spaghetti for all my kids, washed, dried and sorted laundry galore and still have a few more good hours left. Already dreading the third round, I cling to the thought that I have 15 days left to recover!

"Two Down!"

Well, today is my second day after my second chemo...not feeling a thing...so far...praising God for all HIS blessings! I did have to have a "neulasta shot" yesterday...instead of having a low white blood count like most chemo patients have, I had an elevated one, which could mean some infection somewhere. My doctor thinks that I still have a little infection from the abscessed tooth I had removed a month or so ago. I'm not sure. But, he decided to give me only a half dose of the drug. As I was sitting having my treatment, my cell phone rang and it was my "insurance navigator." She was inquiring as to how I was doing and if I had any questions about anything...I told her not that I could think of, and mentioned that I would be having a neulasta shot the next day. She told me that each shot cost $8,000.00. Since I received only a half of one, I guess I got a discount of $4,000.00. Forging on, taking a day at a time. I keep remembering the words of my doctor when I was first given my diagnosis. He said "Cancer will change your life forever!" This I know!

"Here We Go Again!"

As I head out the door this morning, I have that feeling as if I'm forgetting something. You know it...we all have it from time to time. I look in the rearview mirror in the car and can see I have my wig on, my tooth in and touch my right side to feel my bra padding. Alright, everything is present and accounted for! Walking into work, I reach for my cell phone, and there it "isn't!" Of all the items listed above, I was glad to know that the one missing was my cell phone! Another feeling I've been having is similar to one's first day at school, a big knot in my stomach, dreading the event, but wishing to hurry up and get it over with, my second chemo treatment. I have two days left to accumulate more anxiety. How wonderful it has felt to just be out of a doctor's office for the past 3 weeks. It was almost like being "normal" again. I have refilled my pill dispenser up with the necessary meds. I begin tomorrow taking my steroid meds, which is suppose to make me "hyper" and as I have learned...make me eat too much as well! The water drinking also begins tomorrow and escalates the day of and day after chemo. I must say, I am not looking forward to that. My first treatment was "do-able" I just hope this one follows suit. I am a little uneasy about the white blood cell injection that I will have to return for on Thursday, but know that with God's help, I'll make it through. I covet each and everyone of your prayers. Please lift me up on Wednesday and Thursday especially...love to you all!

"Letting Go!"

Waking up this morning to a pillow full of loose hair...I knew it was time for me to take the next step. Headed to work, I contemplated on my actions later in the day. Finally making the decision, I drive to a nearby mall and walk into a salon. I tell the lady at the desk my need and she informs me that she will be glad to do the honors. As I sit in the styling chair, I watch as I "let go" of one more part of me, my hair. I have to say that this event was way more emotional than what I had prepared myself for. I just have to do as a friend told me this morning "the thing you have to do, is keep reminding yourself that what you're going through is saving your life!" I'm not sure of what is yet to come...I do know that I am praying for God to do as my mom prayed "Let it stop at the "stop sign!" All I know is that when I walked across the parking lot into the mall this afternoon, I had a God beside me who is bigger than any need that you or I will ever have.

"What a Beautiful Day to Lose My Hair!"

It's a beautiful Sunday morning and I roll out of bed early to say goodbye to my granddaughter Savannah, who is headed back to college. Farewells are made with plenty of tears and "I Love You's." Afterwards, I step into the shower to prepare for church services. As I'm drying my hair, I feel like a thin veil is brushing against my upper body. I look into the sink and there are more hairs than I can count. Apparently, this is the long awaited day I have dreaded ever since the word "chemo" was mouthed by my doctor. I am alright with this. I know that hair or no hair, tooth or no tooth, breast or no breast is not who I am. So many times through the years, I have heard the scripture referred to that God looks inward while man looks outward. 1 Samuel 16:7 "....for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart." I praise God for all His blessings...and if it has to be...what a beautiful day to lose my hair!

"Best Medicine!"

With one treatment behind me, I am spending most of my time, mentally counting down til the next one. I was reading an announcement this morning at work when my eyes popped at the site of the date on it, August 14th. Seeing that date and knowing it will be my next treatment, made me cringe. It's not that it was all that bad...it's just the inconvenience of it all and the nasty littly things that came with it. So far, I have had a bout with constipation, a rash of Biblical proportions in the southern region, another itchy rash around my neck, sore mouth, insominia, random sharp pains in every inch of the body and achy hair folicles...indicating their departure soon. I suppose in the scheme of things, all these are minor. Hubby was all reclined back last night and stated, well, you only have 17 more treatments! I said,"are you kidding me, I have five!" He had gotten the weeks mixed up with the treatments, saying that he had been telling everybody that I had 17 more...and this is the person who oversees my medicine. Reminds me of the old adage "LAUGHTER is the best medicine!"

"MOM!"

Well, the third day that was supposed to be the worse, has come and gone, leaving me with only "constipation issues!" I have been told that if that's all I have to worry about now, that I'm doing good. I've called the doctor's office to get necessary instructions for the above problem, and I tell the nurse how well I've been doing. She informs me that I will need a "white blood cell" injection the day after my next treatment. I was feeling really good and then she sprang that on me. Since yesterday, I have whacked the sprouts on all my crepe myrtle trees, pulled weeds out of the sidewalk, and cooked several meals. Something is telling me that I should enjoy this one because the next one won't come so easy. I'm just trusting God to carry me through all of this, HIM and "Milk Of Magnesia!"

"The Third Day!"

A huge lightening storm this past Saturday, knocked our phone and internet out. With reports made to our phone company, and promises of repair work done on Wednesday, I was unable to be on the computer for several days. My big day has come and gone. It was a long day of nearly six straight hours of infusions. I had been encouraged to drink water, water, water, the day before and the day of Chemo, in order to flush a lot of it out of my kidneys. I have to say that I am not a fan of "H2o." Matter a fact, if I try to drink it when I'm not thirsty, I will soon be gagging. Yesterday and today, however was a different story. Forcing myself to drink at least 48 oz. yesterday and 99 oz. today was a surprising victory for me. The only problem with that, is what goes in, must come out!" My husband was delighted to take picture after picture of me and my IV pole heading to the facilities every 30 minutes or less for six straight hours! A steroid pill was prescribed for me the day before, after and for tomorrow, along with plenty of anti-nausea meds in my chemo in order to keep me feeling well until the "third day" and then I am warned that it will "hit." Arriving home today, a package awaited me in my mailbox from my husband's relative who lives out of state. Opening the box, I find a bracelet with a "sideways" cross on it. If you've read some of my ramblin's you know what the sideway cross means to me. What a beautiful treasure. A friend from church had made a beautiful black scarf for me which I know took days to make. So many prayers, so many tokens of love and friendship have been given. I love you all! A special friend gave me scripture from Psalm 25, which gave me such comfort before leaving this morning. One verse I kept in my mind and heart today as I sat there being "infused!" Verse 15: "Mine eyes are ever toward the Lord; for he shall pluck my feet out of the net." Thank you God, for "plucking me out of the net" if just for today.

"Getting Started!"

As I exited the doctor's office yesterday, relief was nowhere to be found. I had long awaited the words "you can go ahead and start chemo" for weeks now, so I wouldn't have to dread it anymore. Thoughts of "I wish I had more time," or "I wish I didn't have to do it at all," were going through my mind. Nonetheless, Monday at 9:45 am is my first treatment. I suppose I can look at it several ways; one, this is something that's going to help me, potentially save my life, or this is something that's going to make me feel terrible! For now, I will go with the first one. If one went by how they feel as to how healthy their body is, I could weedeat several acres of grass and throw in a brisk walk. But we all know that "feeling good" is not always our gauge. I have been busy in my house, cleaning out closets, unused bedrooms, throwing out wall hangings that have years of dust, washing anything and everything that doesn't move...Saturday we will clean all floors and fabrics...I'm not so sure if I'm ready for Chemo, but one thing is for sure, like my sister Sue says, "I can't finish until I get started!"

"The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow!"

The sun has come out, the stitches in my gum have come out, and tomorrow, I head out to see my oncologist about healing, results of my heart scan and when I can start my treatments. With a tiny scab remaining on my mastectomy and a glimpse of where my tooth used to be, I have a feeling he will say, wait another week. I have commented to several friends that I have never wanted to do anything so bad in all my life, that I didn't want to do at all, than I do Chemo. I have never stepped foot in a GNC store these 59 years, now I have frequented there several times in the past week, getting all my vitamins and supplements necessary to take during treatment and was unable to find them anywhere else. My husband has made me a trusty medicine chart, but it was so small that I couldn't even read it with my magnifying glasses. He assures me that he can enlarge it with the click of a mouse. I'm not sure how long the rain will have stopped, but it sure does feel good to bask in the sunshine, if not for just a few more days. On the same note, it feels good to be spending these last days before treatment as a so called "normal" person, laughing, eating out, and walking around with hair on my head, just before the "rain" comes again.

"The Great Physician"

Thinking today and praying for so many around me who are going through sickness and illness. My heart aches for the children who are facing surgery, disease, heartache, hunger... I look toward the true Healer...."Jesus Christ!" Not knowing what lies ahead is very frightening, but I cling to His precious Word and know that someday, there will be a better tomorrow. Please join with me and pray for all the ones around us who are going through similar circumstances. This song by Kari Jobe was playing the other day as I drove to work..."Healer" Enjoy!

"The Truth About the Tooth!"

Awaking this morning to a little soreness in my tooth from the surgery the night before, and feeling good about the prospect of saving it from being pulled for several years to come, my husband and I head out to a long awaited doctor's visit to have my heart scan and a talk with the Physician's Assistant about when I will began chemo and all the particulars. My dentist had shared the procedure he had performed on my tooth with me, so that I could fill my doctor in on the details. Because there was infection present, the PA informed me that I would have to heal before chemo could began, probably another two weeks, since healing is difficult during treatment, but she would talk with my doctor who was in surgery at the hospital and let me know what he said. I had my heart scan and headed back home. Several hours later, my phone rings and it's Nicole, the PA. She tells me that she has spoken with my doctor and he wants me to have the tooth "pulled!" My mind suddenly goes back to the night before when my dentist and his assistant so willingly gave up their evening with family and stayed to help save my tooth, not to mention the soreness and stitches I was sporting. I call the dental office and tell them the news. I am told to come on over and they will do as the doctor asked. As I type this blog, I find it harder and harder to see the outside of the person I used to be. Within 3 months time, I have lost a breast, a tooth and soon my hair. Does this bother me, some. Do I know that this is a bump in the road in the scheme of things, while others suffer far worse fate, yes. As I sat in the dental chair today, waiting for my "sleepy juice" to work, I had a heart to heart with the One who made every inch of my body. "Whatever, you want Lord, whatever it is that I must do...use it to glorify you. I thank you God for allowing me to have my breast, my tooth, my hair...my life, if for only a season." On the drive home, I think of this scripture: Ecclesiastes 3: To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: 2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; 3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; 4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; 7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. 9 What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth? 10 I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it. 11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.

"The Masked Man and His Assistant!"

The old adage, "When it Rains it Pours" seems to apply not only to the weather we've been having in North Carolina, but to "yours truly" as well. Noticing that my front tooth was feeling a little sore, but reassuring myself that it was sporting a crown and a root canal from 25 years back, I kept putting off having it looked into. Knowing that I would be going for my heart scan tomorrow and "chemo conversation" I decided I'd better have it checked out before I got into my treatment. I awaited the 8:00 am mark on the clock and anxiously called my dental office. The folks there are just like family and always willing to accommodate one. The lady on the phone said, "can you come in around 9:30?" Ready to get an answer on my tooth, I headed on over to the office at my appointed time. The dental assistant made some x-rays and I could feel it in my toes that they weren't good. The Dentist came in and delivered the bad news, I had an abscess in my tooth with infection in the bone...knowing that I'll be starting Chemo within a week, I became worried. Assurance was made, and an appointment as well for me to return this evening for oral surgery to clean everything out and an attempt at saving the tooth. I have joked all day about myself being right in step for Halloween this year, if I loose my front tooth and hair to boot! I have just returned home and the tall masked gentleman and his worthy assistant did a great job at an attempt to keep my tooth. Time will tell, but news was encouraging. I am so thankful to live in a small town where a facebook friend is your dental assistant and the Dentist is the "masked man!"

"Moving On"

Tomorrow will end my stay at my daughter's place in Wilmington, NC. When we first arrived, I cried for nearly two days straight, homesick and feeling like a six year old kid away at camp. I have had a restful time, even though my cup is yet to drink when I return home. Each morning I would wake up early while everyone else was still snoring, lying still while visions of chemo danced in my head. I have come to know that the only peace I can truly have is through reading God's Word each day and constantly calling upon Him to settle my nerves. My mastectomy seems to have healed nicely and I thank Him for that. I have been trying to drink plenty of liquids as I have issues with this on a regular day. I know that this will be expected of me during treatment. I keep pushing back the thoughts that my heart will in someway not be strong enough to take the drug I need to and when I have my Echo-gram on the 9th, they'll say to me..."sorry, but..." I keep telling God that He's the one that made me and that He knows I'm a worrier..and if He wants me to stop worrying, He'll have to do it...it's beyond me. Whatever lies ahead, I will have to face it. I must say that I have offered any and everybody that will listen, a nice looking wig to wear and a pocketful of pennies if they'd like to take my place, but so far...no takers. God bless each and everyone who reads this and who has said a prayer for me. You'll never know how much it means to me.

"The Wig!"

From the first time the word "chemo" came out of my doctor's mouth, I have tried envisioning myself being "bald". No matter how hard I try, I cannot. Some of the comments I've heard from family members is "don't get a wig" just wear scarves and hats. My husband and son were two of the most voiced about my predicament. I remember when I was a little girl, my mother had a catalog with all kinds of women wearing different hairstyles from updos to hair falls to sets. In this catalog was a picture of a girl wearing three different styles of hair in blonde, brunette and auburn. With mother's permission and saving my money, I ordered these wigs. Everyday, I would rush home from school, hoping to see my wigs. One day, they had arrived. I anxiously opened the box and there they were, three "plastic" wigs. The plastic did not deter me from wearing them, with looks of "are you crazy" to "stupid" I prevailed. On another instance, I remember taking voice lessons in my formative years when a girl who I looked up to, wore a "fall." She was a little on the wealthy side as her parents owned "the furniture store" that everyone like to shop at in a neighboring town, so naturally I wanted to be like her and own a "fall" of my own. My mother and I spent all day shopping in the big city of Spartanburg, SC one Saturday and finally found one at Belks Department store. I also remember buying one of those long ponytails that you could find at your local dime store and pinning it to the back of my head with "Bobbi pins" as if people would think it was my real hair. Looking online at scarves, turbans, and head covers for "cancer patients" I suppose some wig company attached a cookie to me and while viewing facebook one day, I see a wig advertisement saying 100% real human hair, on sale for $89.00, which had been $310.00, with a statement of "looks so much like the real thing, they'll never know! I secretly place an order and await the arrival, unbeknownst to my husband. Several days later I receive a phone call from the delivery person asking if I would happen to be in the vicinity of the town I work in so he wouldn't have to make the long trek of coming to my house for delivery. I told him yes, and my "wig" was delivered to my workplace. I carefully removed it from the package and hid it in the workroom cabinet. While in town the other day, I had to stop by the office and leave the mail, after hours. My husband was with me and came into use the facilities. Taking him longer than I thought, I decided to get my wig out and put it on, trick him and ask if he could remove something from my eye as soon as he comes out of the restroom. He walks over to me and tells me to hold my head back under the light. With giggles and nose snorts, I finally bust out laughing. He steps back and gives me a look and says "what did you do to your hair?" I finally "fess up" and spill the beans. I'm not sure if I'll ever wear this wig, but it has already given me a story to tell for years to come!

"It's Just a Storm!"

In just one week, the fourth of July will have arrived. As I have said before, the next two weeks will be the "calm before the storm," being given the time for my mastectomy to heal as well as my emotions. I am headed to my daughter's in Wilmington, NC this weekend for some needed rest. Suspecting something awry with my breast the last time I was at her apartment and that the "winds of danger" were swirling about me, I placed an object on her couch arm when leaving, knowing that no one would be there to disturb it and wondering what would be my fate the next time I returned to see it or if I ever would. I am looking forward to going through the door and walking over to the couch and seeing this object, remembering all that God has brought me through since I laid it there. My next doctor's appointment is scheduled for Tuesday, July 9th, where I'll have a cardiogram and a meeting concerning my chemo schedule and all the details. I suspect I will begin chemo that week. Everytime I start to fear, the phone rings, an email comes in, a facebook message, a friend stops by, just to say...I love you...I'm thinking about you...I'm praying for you. How wonderful it is to know that there are so many people out there who genuinely care for you. A storm may be raging around me...but I am so thankful I know the ONE who can calm it!...He maketh the storm a calm, so that the waves thereof are still. Psalm 107:29

"Tomorrow, Another Day"

Just got back from having my chemo port put in. The actual procedure took somewhere around 40 minutes, however, all the preliminaries took close to 4 hours. The doctor decided to leave my mastectomy alone and let it finish healing without his intervention. I must say, I was glad to hear that. The port itself looks like a small protrusion on my upper right chest near the collarbone; totally covered with skin, and will be accessed by sticking the needle through each time I have treatment or for injections. I asked the doctor how would I recognize a hematoma and he looked at me out the corner of his eyes, a quick smile, and said...we're not expecting that, but gave me an answer anyway. A circle of prayer was said before heading to the operating room this morning with an emphasis on my not acquiring a hematoma. This all brings me one step closer to the day I dread the most, chemo. I was to call the office today or tomorrow, to get the date I began. Feeling a little tired and weary from the events of the day, I decided to call tomorrow, like Scarlett O'Hara's line in "Gone With the Wind... Afterall, tomorrow is another day!"

"Cancer Cannot"

I can't believe it's Sunday and tomorrow I get my port...I've already eaten my "last supper" and have begun to prepare myself mentally for the morning's deed. I've read some and spoke to those who've had ports put in and they tell me that it isn't bad. My mastectomy breast is still healing and practically 90 per cent better than last Wednesday when the doctor had to open it up and drain out all the "poison." There is a possibility that he will do the same while I'm "under" in the morning, but I hope and pray that's not the case. I am so ready for this thing to be healed and don't relish the thought of having to go through an incision and drain tube again! I went to church this morning. I hold things together pretty good in public, but when asked to pray in choir, I fell apart, thinking of how much each and everyone in that room meant to me and that this quite possibly would be my last time for awhile to be apart of them, made me really sad. I got up really early this morning and prepared lunch for all my children and grands. Someone made the comment that I should have let them do the honors instead of me, but it was something I wanted to do. There's nothing like having your babies around to make you feel better. I remember the day I first found out that I had breast cancer, all I wanted was my three children to be near to me...I even tried coaxing one or two of them to jump in bed and sleep the night with me and daddy like they did when little. After a few..."that's just weird" remarks, I abandoned the idea. Of course with hubby and I still sleeping in a double bed, this feat would have been next to impossible anyway, even if I'd had a partaker. A beautiful young lady friend of mine gave me a special throw to take with me when I have chemo...on it reads: "What Cancer Cannot Do!" Cancer is So Limited... It cannot cripple Love...It cannot shatter Hope...It cannot corrode Faith...It cannot destroy Peace...It cannot kill Friendship...It cannot suppress Memories...It cannot silence Courage...It cannot invade the Soul...It cannot steal eternal Life...it cannot conquer the Spirit...Anonymous

"My Thorn"

With every event in our life, it seems "throwing a party" is expected. Well, yesterday was indeed a day for my party...a "pity party." I have tried to be really strong and through the Lord, I am, but I am also "human." Dealing with an infected breast, which by the way seems to be healing, and just concentrating on the things to come, I began to ask God, "why me?" "what have I done to deserve this?" As soon as my husband came in from work, he could see that I was "flying low." He walked over to my Bible lying on the table, thumbing through...he turned to a passage of scripture and handed it to me...It was Paul, speaking of his infirmity, in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10. This passage gave me my relief... 7 And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. 8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. 9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong. So many things in life happen to us and we don't understand. I became so excited at the possibility of getting to go to Wilmington, NC for the fourth, knowing that when I return, chemo awaits. I have come to realize that I would do anything for just "one normal day!" I know that this is what God has given me, this is my cup and no one can drink from it but me. Lord, I know that "your grace is sufficient for me, I am weak, but YOU are strong!" This morning, I look out into the trees and see your magnificent glory of the sun shining all around. My prayer is that this "thorn" that I've been given, can be used for your glory!

"God Can Do It All!"

One of many days that I have feared the most...has apparently come and gone. Today was the day that I would hear my entire path report, be restaged, find out what kind of cancer and all about my treatment plan, but as my life goes...I had to deal with a little more before all that was "revealed." My mastectomy wound began to swell, turn color and cause me to run a low grade temp around two days ago. Several nights ago, I woke up and my shirt was soaked with fluid. Jumped up and saw that it was coming from my incision. I called up to the doctor and since I was coming in the next day I endured, even though they did give me the option of coming then. My doctor did an ultrasound and found that there was a hematoma, fluid and infection, so he opened the incision, cleaned it out and now I am wrapped up like a mummy and will have to experience more draining. I will go Monday morning for my port to be put in for chemo, but won't start treatment until mid July, so I can heal good first. I must say, I was a little glad. The doctor then sat my husband and I down to tell us all the news. He is such a Godly man, who let's you know up front that he can do some, I can do some...but GOD can do it ALL! He began by saying that my tumor was HER2+ which scared me to death. He went on to say that everything looked good, all my scans, blood, margins...there were 5 lymph nodes out of 14 which were positive and that I would need six months of chemo, radiation and a drug called Herceptin. I have to tell you that all of this scares me to death, but I have come to realize that whatever it takes to try to stay alive here on this earth with your husband, children and sweet darling grandchildren, I will do it and more. God bless this day and all the saints who have prayed for me and my family while waiting this news.

"Lopsided!"

Trying to work a full week...not sure if I'll succeed. Since I had my drains out, I've been watching my breast, or nonbreast, grow browner and browner, and tighter and tighter. I have a call into the doctor to see if that's normal. I really hope it is and that I don't have to drive all the way up to the office. My next doctor's visit is Wednesday afternoon and it will be good not to have to go before then. The people up at the office are probably ready to throw a rock at me! It feels good to be doing my regular things. Not feeling comfortable yet wearing a bra or any prosthetic, I just go "lopsided" and wear a button up shirt over a tee. It doesn't bother me at all for people who know that I've recently had a mastectomy to stare at my "flatside." I went to visit my mom in the nursing home today for the first time in about 2 weeks. Most of you are aware that she has dementia. I'm not sure how often I'll be able to visit her when I start chemo, but it was a really hard visit. A gentleman came by the office today who was dealing with a cancer scare of his own. He was elderly and was telling me that he hoped he had been a good father and husband. It broke my heart to see his eyes fill with tears in fear of what tomorrow's news may bring as he receives his biopsy report. Every emotion that I experienced and still must face on Wednesday came up. As he left the building, I was crying profusely. Driving to the nursing home later, my cell phone rang and it was a 90 year old acquaintance who had been given my cell number from work. He told me how he had been praying for me and that his daughter-in-law was going through the same thing and she was doing good. I always tease God about how He's showing out when he does something that is just so obvious to comfort me. I pray for each and everyone who is facing a giant in their life today.

"Goodbye Drains!"

Friday, June 14, 2013, 9:30 am. Was supposed to get my drains taken out today, but I noticed a red ring around the arm drain and it was super sore...called the doctor and they told me to come in yesterday...drains were removed and I must say, it was not fun, and I am very strong with pain. Came home and had to take two pain pills. I only took one pain pill after coming home from having my mastectomy. I woke up this morning and I felt like someone had pulled every muscle in my right arm and chest...I guess those drains had began to become part of my body and didn't like being "yanked out!" Have to say, it's some better though, soaking the holes with Epson salt on the advice of the doctor. I suppose one might say that from today til next Wednesday is the "calm before the storm." We will meet with my doctor on Wednesday, for all the scary particulars of what the path report found, then I'll be scheduled for a "port," then chemo and whatever else will be my treatment. You know when you buy a new car and then all you see is the same car, but before you never noticed them...well, that's the way it is with breast cancer...I'm meeting sooo many people who have gone through this same nightmare. I still wake up in the mornings,open my eyes and wonder if it was all a dream. My doctor told us from the beginning that cancer will change my life and cause me to not take anything for granted...I'm beginning to understand what he meant.

"Another Day"

Well, went back to work today...it was good to be doing my usual things, however, getting up and trying to wash my hair with the left arm and finding clothes to wear that fit with my drains is a little bit of a hassle. I'm not complaining though because I have learned to be thankful for every single little inconvenience. Woke up during the night and my drain had leaked from where it enters the body and had saturated the side of my top. Got too ambitious yesterday and made a German Chocolate Cake. I have always prided myself that I never had a trace of diabetes, even though I eat tons of sugar. Now, I find out that sugar is bad for not only diabetics, but cancer patients as well. I'm trying to drink water and make better food choices than before. I see that the books our doctor told us to buy "Wheat Belly" and "The Blue Zone" came in the mail from Amazon today. I've told hubby that he will have to read them, and fill me in, since I am reading my Bible through and don't want to be distracted, even for something as important as my health! I cherish all the prayers, cards, visits, food, flowers and calls that everyone has blessed me with. Looking forward to another day...

"One Day at a Time"

Today is a day to sleep late and sit around the house, healing a little more. Tomorrow, I will try to go back to work for a few days. I have decided to try to keep my part-time job for as long as I can. Chemo will be coming in a few weeks and the way my body reacts to it will tell the story of work. The doctor's office will be scheduling my "port" for chemo to be put in sometime soon. I will have to have it done at the hospital. I'm feeling very anxious about meeting with Dr. Williams next Wednesday, when he will be giving us the complete pathology report and my treatment plan. When I was at the doctor's office yesterday, the PA, Nicole, mentioned that my nipple tested positive for a very rare breast cancer "Paget's Disease," which was named after the Doctor who discovered it. Paget's Disease usually sits on top of DCIS or some sort of invasive tumor in your breast. This only adds to my fear. Please keep me in your prayers as I try to take "one day at a time"; leaning on God to get me through it all.

The "What If's!"

Monday, June 10th, 8:20 am. I have a doctor's appointment at 10:30 am today. I hope and pray that my drains will be able to come out! I like to refer to them as "my puppies" since they dangle near my waist connected to a tube which is inserted into my breast area and arm pit. The PA at the doctor's office calls them "hand grenades." Whichever is more suiting...I'm just ready for them to go! Yesterday was a hard day, sitting home and unable to attend church services was boring and caused me to ponder the "what if's". When I start feeling like that, I grab my Bible and read. I have just returned from my doctor's visit, my drains will be removed on Friday. Disappointing yes, but I'd rather leave them in a few more days than to develop a hematoma. In the introduction to this blog, I mention how God had led me to read His Word from Genesis to Revelation, several months ago. Today's scripture is Psalm 73:28, "But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the Lord God, that I may declare all thy works."

"Blessings"

Sunday, June 9, 2013, 8:25 am Today is Sunday. On a usual Sunday morning, I would be hopping into the shower about now, or making my bed up, getting ready for church services. It seems overwhelming when I think of all the things in life that I have taken for granted. I remember the day I went for my diagnostic mammogram and ultra sound. Soon after the radiologist read them, he entered the ultra sound room, came near to where I was lying, looked me in the eyes and said, Mrs. Edwards, your right breast looks very concerning to me. I'll never forget those words. I asked him what he thought it was and he replied "Ductal Carcinoma, but we won't know for sure until a biopsy is done." He then asked permission to go ahead and do the biopsy, which I agreed to. As I left the hospital that day, my mind was in disbelief. I needed to stop by the store and pick up a few items and upon entering, I began looking at each person in there, wishing that I could trade places with any of them. I recalled all the many times I had shopped there, with nothing more than dog treats, toilet paper or a toy for my grandson on my mind. I noticed a child pulling and crying at his dad, begging for a candy bar. I have been known to in the past, ask permission to crying children's parents if I could buy them whatever they were wanting, knowing that they didn't have enough for extras. That day, I would have gladly traded places with a crying child or a mom or dad who didn't have a dime in their pocket. Through all of this, I pray that God will give me more of a servant's heart...but most of all...That He will teach me to be thankful for all the many blessings He has already given me!

"Lead Me to the Rock!"

Saturday, June 8th // 9:30 am Sorry journal, I've been a little lazy, my breast, or should I say -- the "missing breast" -- seems to be healing. I still have my drains in. They are such a nuisance but so glad I am able to have them. I was seeing a little darker blood in my "breast drain" so decided to call the doctor's office and see if that was normal since the weekend was near. I spoke to "Willie" who is the nurse in charge of test results, etc. She assured me that it was just "old" blood and would probably get thick as well and for me to "milk" the tubes! She then told me that my path report had come in. I was scared to hear but she forged on. She said my nodes were positive and the DCIS had become invasive. Chemo would be a necessity. This news upset me, but it was already news that we suspected. My doctor will be meeting with us in a week to give me details of the margins, treatment and prognosis. I have learned that cancer is a roller coaster. Good news one day and bad the next. I know that I have a Mighty Savior who is bigger than me, and is unfailing. My scripture reading for today was Psalm 61 and I particularly loved verse two. "When my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the Rock that is higher than I!" Wow what a wonderful promise-to know that I have a Savior who is bigger, higher than me!

"What Defines Me?"

Wednesday, June 5th // 9:15 am Well, yesterday, June 4th, 2013, was the last day I had the privilege of owning a right breast. She was removed along with 3 lymph nodes. She served me faithfully through these 59 1/2 years--nursing 3 babies, supplying love to my husband, offering up vain appearances among other things. I thank God that I could sacrifice her for my life. My breast and "hair" will never define me. I am God's child and that is how I choose to be defined. I have to say though, it will be a little strange not seeing her when I look down. I stayed in the hospital for a day. The nurses were very nice. I was asked to do a segment for Channel 13 News while there, but declined because of the way I looked--horrid! I know that may be a little vain but that's who I am and God loves me anyway. I will be headed to the doctor in a few hours. I have two drains in my arm and breast. I hope they can be removed, but unsure. The doctor gave me two books to buy and read, "Wheat Belly" and "Blue Zone." I know I'm going to need to make some changes in my life and I hope it will be one for the better. I pray that my path report will come back with better news. I hope that this cancer will be able to be eradicated from my life!

"Deliverance"

Monday, June 3rd // 10:00 am Well today is finally here--I'll be so glad when my surgery is over! I pray that everything will be alright and that the cancer isn't worse than expected. God will be there with me holding me and hiding me from fear. All of my family will be at the hospital along with other friends. I praise God for my family. This experience has taught me to count each and every blessing and to look at people with a loving heart instead of judgmental. I am a simple person. As I take stock of myself, I see all the things that I have left undone. I have been truly blessed though. I have never been without. I take pride in that I am not pampered. But when I look at my feet, dirty shoes, dirty bathroom, I wonder if I should or could have been a better groomer and housekeeper! I pray that God will spare me from the breast cancer so that I can live the rest of my life serving Him and others. I want to make changes, not only in the way I eat, but the way I serve. O God, hear my prayer. Be my portion today. Deliver me from harm. Be with Dr. Williams and the anesthesiologist, nurses, and my family. Keep us in your grace.

"Reflections"

Sunday, June 2nd, 2013 // 7:00 pm It seems like it's been a lifetime ago that I was diagnosed with breast cancer. As I sit here reflecting over the last two weeks, I can hardly believe that this nightmare is real. I have been scheduled tomorrow for a mastectomy of my right breast. I have pulled my shirt open, just to take a last glimpse of a precious part of my body at least 20 times today. Knowing that this will be the last day that I will ever have a "right" breast. As my granddaughter Savannah said, "just think of it like this Nana, it will be the last day that you'll have cancer in your right breast." I am afraid, but I know that God is in control of all my "going in and coming out." I gave my testimony at church today and sang, "I Just Wanted You to Know." (Kim Hopper} I sang this song because God sent it to me when I was having my bone scan several days ago. He is so merciful, so forgiving, so all-knowing. I praise him in my valleys...I love Him in my weakest hour. I pray that He will deliver me from all these trials. Lord, help me! I am just ready for this to be all over with. It's time for me to take a shower with the antibacterial soap the nurse at Dr. Williams' office gave me. I won't be writing for a while as my arm will be sore from surgery. This journal will be good for my soul.

Introduction

I want to begin this blog today, by giving you a peek into the meaning of "No Nail Polish Please!" Some 3 months ago, I began noticing a change in my right nipple, it began to itch, burn and scale over. This wasn't the first time I had experienced "breast issues." Married to my childhood sweetheart nearly 40 years ago, we soon had three children. With a husband in college and money practically invisible, I decided I would breastfeed my first child in order to save money. With a friend who belonged to the La lache League for support, I began. Nursing all three of my children, I always felt that I would be safe from any kind of perils which involved the breast. It wasn't until I was nursing my second child one day, that I felt my first "lump." Because I was a stay at home mom, young and as usual, money was scarce, I put off going to the doctor until practically ten years later. By then, the lump had grown fairly large. I had a lumpectomy and found that I had a benign "fibroid cyst." Fast forward twenty years later, and I go for my next mammogram. This was five years ago. If it hadn't been upon the persistence of my family doctor, I probably wouldn't have had one then. With a family history of three of my mother's sisters having breast cancer and several cousins, one might add that I had a "suicide mission!" To say that I rarely go to the doctor, is an understatement. I've always been one of these people who take everybody else's medicine or try the "cure it yourself" routine. A lump was found, removed and diagnosed as an "Adenoma tumor" which was again, benign. Dealing with a hematoma the size of a golf ball, and visits back and forth to the doctor for several months, I got my fill of "breast issues." But, this time, something inside was telling me that I wasn't going to be as lucky as the previous two times. Caring for my grandson whom I cherished on afternoons and I feeling that no one else would be able to care for him, like Nana as well as my youngest daughter who was completing graduate school and stress for her school work was heaping up; I felt like if I waited a few more months, she would be graduated and back home, my grandson would be out of school and wouldn't need my care, and THEN I'd go to the doctor. It wasn't until I had returned back home from my daughter's graduation that I made the decision to have it checked out...this is where my journey begins...In reference to my title "No Nail Polish Please! I had made a trip to the hospital for preop...I received a paper, giving necessary instructions for my pending mastectomy that stated, no makeup and no nail polish on the day of surgery. For the past six years, I have used a silver toe nail polish. Everybody in my family would remark from time to time about "Mama's silver toe nails!" Approximately 5 months ago, I decided I would change the color, so I bought a bottle of garnet red polish. At the time, I didn't have any polish removal, but since I only had a sliver of the silver left on my left big toenail, I just polished the red right over it. Each month or so I'd add a coat on top of the last one, until I eventually had 5 or 6 layers. As I was removing all the "garnet red" from my toenails in anticipation of my breast surgery, I purchased a huge bottle of polish remover and a bag of cottonballs...after 20 minutes of removal of the red, which looked like someone had "bled to death in my bathroom" I saw something shining through on my left big toenail..as I peeked closer, I could see that it was the "silver" polish that I had left on before putting the many layers of red polish on. God spoke to me at that moment and said, "This is you my love, underneath all those layers, my precious jewel is still there. I have been a Christian for as many years as I can remember, but for the past 20 years, I have only been something I call a "wind up" Christian, "wind me up" and I'll go to church, I'll sing a song, I'll read some scriptures, you get where I'm going. But in January of this year, God spoke to me and said, it's time for you to come back to me. He instructed me to purchase a new Bible in "large print," and start in Genesis and read His word through to Revelation and it had to be a King James Version text. I asked Him if He was sure about the KJV as I usually read the NIV. As soon as I began, my faith became stronger and stronger. Spending many days engrossed in His Living Word, I could think of nothing else. Knowing that God had a purpose in leading me through His Mighty Word, I forged on. Three weeks ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Had I not been in His Word as I am, I don't know how I would have dealt with the devastating news. It seems, His plan for my life was far more sophisticated than I had for myself. But, I know that this is His way of removing all the nail polish until His precious jewel, can been seen shining through, once again...may God Bless any and everyone who reads this blog...