"The Wig!"

From the first time the word "chemo" came out of my doctor's mouth, I have tried envisioning myself being "bald". No matter how hard I try, I cannot. Some of the comments I've heard from family members is "don't get a wig" just wear scarves and hats. My husband and son were two of the most voiced about my predicament. I remember when I was a little girl, my mother had a catalog with all kinds of women wearing different hairstyles from updos to hair falls to sets. In this catalog was a picture of a girl wearing three different styles of hair in blonde, brunette and auburn. With mother's permission and saving my money, I ordered these wigs. Everyday, I would rush home from school, hoping to see my wigs. One day, they had arrived. I anxiously opened the box and there they were, three "plastic" wigs. The plastic did not deter me from wearing them, with looks of "are you crazy" to "stupid" I prevailed. On another instance, I remember taking voice lessons in my formative years when a girl who I looked up to, wore a "fall." She was a little on the wealthy side as her parents owned "the furniture store" that everyone like to shop at in a neighboring town, so naturally I wanted to be like her and own a "fall" of my own. My mother and I spent all day shopping in the big city of Spartanburg, SC one Saturday and finally found one at Belks Department store. I also remember buying one of those long ponytails that you could find at your local dime store and pinning it to the back of my head with "Bobbi pins" as if people would think it was my real hair. Looking online at scarves, turbans, and head covers for "cancer patients" I suppose some wig company attached a cookie to me and while viewing facebook one day, I see a wig advertisement saying 100% real human hair, on sale for $89.00, which had been $310.00, with a statement of "looks so much like the real thing, they'll never know! I secretly place an order and await the arrival, unbeknownst to my husband. Several days later I receive a phone call from the delivery person asking if I would happen to be in the vicinity of the town I work in so he wouldn't have to make the long trek of coming to my house for delivery. I told him yes, and my "wig" was delivered to my workplace. I carefully removed it from the package and hid it in the workroom cabinet. While in town the other day, I had to stop by the office and leave the mail, after hours. My husband was with me and came into use the facilities. Taking him longer than I thought, I decided to get my wig out and put it on, trick him and ask if he could remove something from my eye as soon as he comes out of the restroom. He walks over to me and tells me to hold my head back under the light. With giggles and nose snorts, I finally bust out laughing. He steps back and gives me a look and says "what did you do to your hair?" I finally "fess up" and spill the beans. I'm not sure if I'll ever wear this wig, but it has already given me a story to tell for years to come!

"It's Just a Storm!"

In just one week, the fourth of July will have arrived. As I have said before, the next two weeks will be the "calm before the storm," being given the time for my mastectomy to heal as well as my emotions. I am headed to my daughter's in Wilmington, NC this weekend for some needed rest. Suspecting something awry with my breast the last time I was at her apartment and that the "winds of danger" were swirling about me, I placed an object on her couch arm when leaving, knowing that no one would be there to disturb it and wondering what would be my fate the next time I returned to see it or if I ever would. I am looking forward to going through the door and walking over to the couch and seeing this object, remembering all that God has brought me through since I laid it there. My next doctor's appointment is scheduled for Tuesday, July 9th, where I'll have a cardiogram and a meeting concerning my chemo schedule and all the details. I suspect I will begin chemo that week. Everytime I start to fear, the phone rings, an email comes in, a facebook message, a friend stops by, just to say...I love you...I'm thinking about you...I'm praying for you. How wonderful it is to know that there are so many people out there who genuinely care for you. A storm may be raging around me...but I am so thankful I know the ONE who can calm it!...He maketh the storm a calm, so that the waves thereof are still. Psalm 107:29

"Tomorrow, Another Day"

Just got back from having my chemo port put in. The actual procedure took somewhere around 40 minutes, however, all the preliminaries took close to 4 hours. The doctor decided to leave my mastectomy alone and let it finish healing without his intervention. I must say, I was glad to hear that. The port itself looks like a small protrusion on my upper right chest near the collarbone; totally covered with skin, and will be accessed by sticking the needle through each time I have treatment or for injections. I asked the doctor how would I recognize a hematoma and he looked at me out the corner of his eyes, a quick smile, and said...we're not expecting that, but gave me an answer anyway. A circle of prayer was said before heading to the operating room this morning with an emphasis on my not acquiring a hematoma. This all brings me one step closer to the day I dread the most, chemo. I was to call the office today or tomorrow, to get the date I began. Feeling a little tired and weary from the events of the day, I decided to call tomorrow, like Scarlett O'Hara's line in "Gone With the Wind... Afterall, tomorrow is another day!"

"Cancer Cannot"

I can't believe it's Sunday and tomorrow I get my port...I've already eaten my "last supper" and have begun to prepare myself mentally for the morning's deed. I've read some and spoke to those who've had ports put in and they tell me that it isn't bad. My mastectomy breast is still healing and practically 90 per cent better than last Wednesday when the doctor had to open it up and drain out all the "poison." There is a possibility that he will do the same while I'm "under" in the morning, but I hope and pray that's not the case. I am so ready for this thing to be healed and don't relish the thought of having to go through an incision and drain tube again! I went to church this morning. I hold things together pretty good in public, but when asked to pray in choir, I fell apart, thinking of how much each and everyone in that room meant to me and that this quite possibly would be my last time for awhile to be apart of them, made me really sad. I got up really early this morning and prepared lunch for all my children and grands. Someone made the comment that I should have let them do the honors instead of me, but it was something I wanted to do. There's nothing like having your babies around to make you feel better. I remember the day I first found out that I had breast cancer, all I wanted was my three children to be near to me...I even tried coaxing one or two of them to jump in bed and sleep the night with me and daddy like they did when little. After a few..."that's just weird" remarks, I abandoned the idea. Of course with hubby and I still sleeping in a double bed, this feat would have been next to impossible anyway, even if I'd had a partaker. A beautiful young lady friend of mine gave me a special throw to take with me when I have chemo...on it reads: "What Cancer Cannot Do!" Cancer is So Limited... It cannot cripple Love...It cannot shatter Hope...It cannot corrode Faith...It cannot destroy Peace...It cannot kill Friendship...It cannot suppress Memories...It cannot silence Courage...It cannot invade the Soul...It cannot steal eternal Life...it cannot conquer the Spirit...Anonymous

"My Thorn"

With every event in our life, it seems "throwing a party" is expected. Well, yesterday was indeed a day for my party...a "pity party." I have tried to be really strong and through the Lord, I am, but I am also "human." Dealing with an infected breast, which by the way seems to be healing, and just concentrating on the things to come, I began to ask God, "why me?" "what have I done to deserve this?" As soon as my husband came in from work, he could see that I was "flying low." He walked over to my Bible lying on the table, thumbing through...he turned to a passage of scripture and handed it to me...It was Paul, speaking of his infirmity, in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10. This passage gave me my relief... 7 And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. 8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. 9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong. So many things in life happen to us and we don't understand. I became so excited at the possibility of getting to go to Wilmington, NC for the fourth, knowing that when I return, chemo awaits. I have come to realize that I would do anything for just "one normal day!" I know that this is what God has given me, this is my cup and no one can drink from it but me. Lord, I know that "your grace is sufficient for me, I am weak, but YOU are strong!" This morning, I look out into the trees and see your magnificent glory of the sun shining all around. My prayer is that this "thorn" that I've been given, can be used for your glory!

"God Can Do It All!"

One of many days that I have feared the most...has apparently come and gone. Today was the day that I would hear my entire path report, be restaged, find out what kind of cancer and all about my treatment plan, but as my life goes...I had to deal with a little more before all that was "revealed." My mastectomy wound began to swell, turn color and cause me to run a low grade temp around two days ago. Several nights ago, I woke up and my shirt was soaked with fluid. Jumped up and saw that it was coming from my incision. I called up to the doctor and since I was coming in the next day I endured, even though they did give me the option of coming then. My doctor did an ultrasound and found that there was a hematoma, fluid and infection, so he opened the incision, cleaned it out and now I am wrapped up like a mummy and will have to experience more draining. I will go Monday morning for my port to be put in for chemo, but won't start treatment until mid July, so I can heal good first. I must say, I was a little glad. The doctor then sat my husband and I down to tell us all the news. He is such a Godly man, who let's you know up front that he can do some, I can do some...but GOD can do it ALL! He began by saying that my tumor was HER2+ which scared me to death. He went on to say that everything looked good, all my scans, blood, margins...there were 5 lymph nodes out of 14 which were positive and that I would need six months of chemo, radiation and a drug called Herceptin. I have to tell you that all of this scares me to death, but I have come to realize that whatever it takes to try to stay alive here on this earth with your husband, children and sweet darling grandchildren, I will do it and more. God bless this day and all the saints who have prayed for me and my family while waiting this news.

"Lopsided!"

Trying to work a full week...not sure if I'll succeed. Since I had my drains out, I've been watching my breast, or nonbreast, grow browner and browner, and tighter and tighter. I have a call into the doctor to see if that's normal. I really hope it is and that I don't have to drive all the way up to the office. My next doctor's visit is Wednesday afternoon and it will be good not to have to go before then. The people up at the office are probably ready to throw a rock at me! It feels good to be doing my regular things. Not feeling comfortable yet wearing a bra or any prosthetic, I just go "lopsided" and wear a button up shirt over a tee. It doesn't bother me at all for people who know that I've recently had a mastectomy to stare at my "flatside." I went to visit my mom in the nursing home today for the first time in about 2 weeks. Most of you are aware that she has dementia. I'm not sure how often I'll be able to visit her when I start chemo, but it was a really hard visit. A gentleman came by the office today who was dealing with a cancer scare of his own. He was elderly and was telling me that he hoped he had been a good father and husband. It broke my heart to see his eyes fill with tears in fear of what tomorrow's news may bring as he receives his biopsy report. Every emotion that I experienced and still must face on Wednesday came up. As he left the building, I was crying profusely. Driving to the nursing home later, my cell phone rang and it was a 90 year old acquaintance who had been given my cell number from work. He told me how he had been praying for me and that his daughter-in-law was going through the same thing and she was doing good. I always tease God about how He's showing out when he does something that is just so obvious to comfort me. I pray for each and everyone who is facing a giant in their life today.

"Goodbye Drains!"

Friday, June 14, 2013, 9:30 am. Was supposed to get my drains taken out today, but I noticed a red ring around the arm drain and it was super sore...called the doctor and they told me to come in yesterday...drains were removed and I must say, it was not fun, and I am very strong with pain. Came home and had to take two pain pills. I only took one pain pill after coming home from having my mastectomy. I woke up this morning and I felt like someone had pulled every muscle in my right arm and chest...I guess those drains had began to become part of my body and didn't like being "yanked out!" Have to say, it's some better though, soaking the holes with Epson salt on the advice of the doctor. I suppose one might say that from today til next Wednesday is the "calm before the storm." We will meet with my doctor on Wednesday, for all the scary particulars of what the path report found, then I'll be scheduled for a "port," then chemo and whatever else will be my treatment. You know when you buy a new car and then all you see is the same car, but before you never noticed them...well, that's the way it is with breast cancer...I'm meeting sooo many people who have gone through this same nightmare. I still wake up in the mornings,open my eyes and wonder if it was all a dream. My doctor told us from the beginning that cancer will change my life and cause me to not take anything for granted...I'm beginning to understand what he meant.

"Another Day"

Well, went back to work today...it was good to be doing my usual things, however, getting up and trying to wash my hair with the left arm and finding clothes to wear that fit with my drains is a little bit of a hassle. I'm not complaining though because I have learned to be thankful for every single little inconvenience. Woke up during the night and my drain had leaked from where it enters the body and had saturated the side of my top. Got too ambitious yesterday and made a German Chocolate Cake. I have always prided myself that I never had a trace of diabetes, even though I eat tons of sugar. Now, I find out that sugar is bad for not only diabetics, but cancer patients as well. I'm trying to drink water and make better food choices than before. I see that the books our doctor told us to buy "Wheat Belly" and "The Blue Zone" came in the mail from Amazon today. I've told hubby that he will have to read them, and fill me in, since I am reading my Bible through and don't want to be distracted, even for something as important as my health! I cherish all the prayers, cards, visits, food, flowers and calls that everyone has blessed me with. Looking forward to another day...

"One Day at a Time"

Today is a day to sleep late and sit around the house, healing a little more. Tomorrow, I will try to go back to work for a few days. I have decided to try to keep my part-time job for as long as I can. Chemo will be coming in a few weeks and the way my body reacts to it will tell the story of work. The doctor's office will be scheduling my "port" for chemo to be put in sometime soon. I will have to have it done at the hospital. I'm feeling very anxious about meeting with Dr. Williams next Wednesday, when he will be giving us the complete pathology report and my treatment plan. When I was at the doctor's office yesterday, the PA, Nicole, mentioned that my nipple tested positive for a very rare breast cancer "Paget's Disease," which was named after the Doctor who discovered it. Paget's Disease usually sits on top of DCIS or some sort of invasive tumor in your breast. This only adds to my fear. Please keep me in your prayers as I try to take "one day at a time"; leaning on God to get me through it all.

The "What If's!"

Monday, June 10th, 8:20 am. I have a doctor's appointment at 10:30 am today. I hope and pray that my drains will be able to come out! I like to refer to them as "my puppies" since they dangle near my waist connected to a tube which is inserted into my breast area and arm pit. The PA at the doctor's office calls them "hand grenades." Whichever is more suiting...I'm just ready for them to go! Yesterday was a hard day, sitting home and unable to attend church services was boring and caused me to ponder the "what if's". When I start feeling like that, I grab my Bible and read. I have just returned from my doctor's visit, my drains will be removed on Friday. Disappointing yes, but I'd rather leave them in a few more days than to develop a hematoma. In the introduction to this blog, I mention how God had led me to read His Word from Genesis to Revelation, several months ago. Today's scripture is Psalm 73:28, "But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the Lord God, that I may declare all thy works."

"Blessings"

Sunday, June 9, 2013, 8:25 am Today is Sunday. On a usual Sunday morning, I would be hopping into the shower about now, or making my bed up, getting ready for church services. It seems overwhelming when I think of all the things in life that I have taken for granted. I remember the day I went for my diagnostic mammogram and ultra sound. Soon after the radiologist read them, he entered the ultra sound room, came near to where I was lying, looked me in the eyes and said, Mrs. Edwards, your right breast looks very concerning to me. I'll never forget those words. I asked him what he thought it was and he replied "Ductal Carcinoma, but we won't know for sure until a biopsy is done." He then asked permission to go ahead and do the biopsy, which I agreed to. As I left the hospital that day, my mind was in disbelief. I needed to stop by the store and pick up a few items and upon entering, I began looking at each person in there, wishing that I could trade places with any of them. I recalled all the many times I had shopped there, with nothing more than dog treats, toilet paper or a toy for my grandson on my mind. I noticed a child pulling and crying at his dad, begging for a candy bar. I have been known to in the past, ask permission to crying children's parents if I could buy them whatever they were wanting, knowing that they didn't have enough for extras. That day, I would have gladly traded places with a crying child or a mom or dad who didn't have a dime in their pocket. Through all of this, I pray that God will give me more of a servant's heart...but most of all...That He will teach me to be thankful for all the many blessings He has already given me!

"Lead Me to the Rock!"

Saturday, June 8th // 9:30 am Sorry journal, I've been a little lazy, my breast, or should I say -- the "missing breast" -- seems to be healing. I still have my drains in. They are such a nuisance but so glad I am able to have them. I was seeing a little darker blood in my "breast drain" so decided to call the doctor's office and see if that was normal since the weekend was near. I spoke to "Willie" who is the nurse in charge of test results, etc. She assured me that it was just "old" blood and would probably get thick as well and for me to "milk" the tubes! She then told me that my path report had come in. I was scared to hear but she forged on. She said my nodes were positive and the DCIS had become invasive. Chemo would be a necessity. This news upset me, but it was already news that we suspected. My doctor will be meeting with us in a week to give me details of the margins, treatment and prognosis. I have learned that cancer is a roller coaster. Good news one day and bad the next. I know that I have a Mighty Savior who is bigger than me, and is unfailing. My scripture reading for today was Psalm 61 and I particularly loved verse two. "When my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the Rock that is higher than I!" Wow what a wonderful promise-to know that I have a Savior who is bigger, higher than me!

"What Defines Me?"

Wednesday, June 5th // 9:15 am Well, yesterday, June 4th, 2013, was the last day I had the privilege of owning a right breast. She was removed along with 3 lymph nodes. She served me faithfully through these 59 1/2 years--nursing 3 babies, supplying love to my husband, offering up vain appearances among other things. I thank God that I could sacrifice her for my life. My breast and "hair" will never define me. I am God's child and that is how I choose to be defined. I have to say though, it will be a little strange not seeing her when I look down. I stayed in the hospital for a day. The nurses were very nice. I was asked to do a segment for Channel 13 News while there, but declined because of the way I looked--horrid! I know that may be a little vain but that's who I am and God loves me anyway. I will be headed to the doctor in a few hours. I have two drains in my arm and breast. I hope they can be removed, but unsure. The doctor gave me two books to buy and read, "Wheat Belly" and "Blue Zone." I know I'm going to need to make some changes in my life and I hope it will be one for the better. I pray that my path report will come back with better news. I hope that this cancer will be able to be eradicated from my life!

"Deliverance"

Monday, June 3rd // 10:00 am Well today is finally here--I'll be so glad when my surgery is over! I pray that everything will be alright and that the cancer isn't worse than expected. God will be there with me holding me and hiding me from fear. All of my family will be at the hospital along with other friends. I praise God for my family. This experience has taught me to count each and every blessing and to look at people with a loving heart instead of judgmental. I am a simple person. As I take stock of myself, I see all the things that I have left undone. I have been truly blessed though. I have never been without. I take pride in that I am not pampered. But when I look at my feet, dirty shoes, dirty bathroom, I wonder if I should or could have been a better groomer and housekeeper! I pray that God will spare me from the breast cancer so that I can live the rest of my life serving Him and others. I want to make changes, not only in the way I eat, but the way I serve. O God, hear my prayer. Be my portion today. Deliver me from harm. Be with Dr. Williams and the anesthesiologist, nurses, and my family. Keep us in your grace.

"Reflections"

Sunday, June 2nd, 2013 // 7:00 pm It seems like it's been a lifetime ago that I was diagnosed with breast cancer. As I sit here reflecting over the last two weeks, I can hardly believe that this nightmare is real. I have been scheduled tomorrow for a mastectomy of my right breast. I have pulled my shirt open, just to take a last glimpse of a precious part of my body at least 20 times today. Knowing that this will be the last day that I will ever have a "right" breast. As my granddaughter Savannah said, "just think of it like this Nana, it will be the last day that you'll have cancer in your right breast." I am afraid, but I know that God is in control of all my "going in and coming out." I gave my testimony at church today and sang, "I Just Wanted You to Know." (Kim Hopper} I sang this song because God sent it to me when I was having my bone scan several days ago. He is so merciful, so forgiving, so all-knowing. I praise him in my valleys...I love Him in my weakest hour. I pray that He will deliver me from all these trials. Lord, help me! I am just ready for this to be all over with. It's time for me to take a shower with the antibacterial soap the nurse at Dr. Williams' office gave me. I won't be writing for a while as my arm will be sore from surgery. This journal will be good for my soul.

Introduction

I want to begin this blog today, by giving you a peek into the meaning of "No Nail Polish Please!" Some 3 months ago, I began noticing a change in my right nipple, it began to itch, burn and scale over. This wasn't the first time I had experienced "breast issues." Married to my childhood sweetheart nearly 40 years ago, we soon had three children. With a husband in college and money practically invisible, I decided I would breastfeed my first child in order to save money. With a friend who belonged to the La lache League for support, I began. Nursing all three of my children, I always felt that I would be safe from any kind of perils which involved the breast. It wasn't until I was nursing my second child one day, that I felt my first "lump." Because I was a stay at home mom, young and as usual, money was scarce, I put off going to the doctor until practically ten years later. By then, the lump had grown fairly large. I had a lumpectomy and found that I had a benign "fibroid cyst." Fast forward twenty years later, and I go for my next mammogram. This was five years ago. If it hadn't been upon the persistence of my family doctor, I probably wouldn't have had one then. With a family history of three of my mother's sisters having breast cancer and several cousins, one might add that I had a "suicide mission!" To say that I rarely go to the doctor, is an understatement. I've always been one of these people who take everybody else's medicine or try the "cure it yourself" routine. A lump was found, removed and diagnosed as an "Adenoma tumor" which was again, benign. Dealing with a hematoma the size of a golf ball, and visits back and forth to the doctor for several months, I got my fill of "breast issues." But, this time, something inside was telling me that I wasn't going to be as lucky as the previous two times. Caring for my grandson whom I cherished on afternoons and I feeling that no one else would be able to care for him, like Nana as well as my youngest daughter who was completing graduate school and stress for her school work was heaping up; I felt like if I waited a few more months, she would be graduated and back home, my grandson would be out of school and wouldn't need my care, and THEN I'd go to the doctor. It wasn't until I had returned back home from my daughter's graduation that I made the decision to have it checked out...this is where my journey begins...In reference to my title "No Nail Polish Please! I had made a trip to the hospital for preop...I received a paper, giving necessary instructions for my pending mastectomy that stated, no makeup and no nail polish on the day of surgery. For the past six years, I have used a silver toe nail polish. Everybody in my family would remark from time to time about "Mama's silver toe nails!" Approximately 5 months ago, I decided I would change the color, so I bought a bottle of garnet red polish. At the time, I didn't have any polish removal, but since I only had a sliver of the silver left on my left big toenail, I just polished the red right over it. Each month or so I'd add a coat on top of the last one, until I eventually had 5 or 6 layers. As I was removing all the "garnet red" from my toenails in anticipation of my breast surgery, I purchased a huge bottle of polish remover and a bag of cottonballs...after 20 minutes of removal of the red, which looked like someone had "bled to death in my bathroom" I saw something shining through on my left big toenail..as I peeked closer, I could see that it was the "silver" polish that I had left on before putting the many layers of red polish on. God spoke to me at that moment and said, "This is you my love, underneath all those layers, my precious jewel is still there. I have been a Christian for as many years as I can remember, but for the past 20 years, I have only been something I call a "wind up" Christian, "wind me up" and I'll go to church, I'll sing a song, I'll read some scriptures, you get where I'm going. But in January of this year, God spoke to me and said, it's time for you to come back to me. He instructed me to purchase a new Bible in "large print," and start in Genesis and read His word through to Revelation and it had to be a King James Version text. I asked Him if He was sure about the KJV as I usually read the NIV. As soon as I began, my faith became stronger and stronger. Spending many days engrossed in His Living Word, I could think of nothing else. Knowing that God had a purpose in leading me through His Mighty Word, I forged on. Three weeks ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Had I not been in His Word as I am, I don't know how I would have dealt with the devastating news. It seems, His plan for my life was far more sophisticated than I had for myself. But, I know that this is His way of removing all the nail polish until His precious jewel, can been seen shining through, once again...may God Bless any and everyone who reads this blog...