"The Wig!"

From the first time the word "chemo" came out of my doctor's mouth, I have tried envisioning myself being "bald". No matter how hard I try, I cannot. Some of the comments I've heard from family members is "don't get a wig" just wear scarves and hats. My husband and son were two of the most voiced about my predicament. I remember when I was a little girl, my mother had a catalog with all kinds of women wearing different hairstyles from updos to hair falls to sets. In this catalog was a picture of a girl wearing three different styles of hair in blonde, brunette and auburn. With mother's permission and saving my money, I ordered these wigs. Everyday, I would rush home from school, hoping to see my wigs. One day, they had arrived. I anxiously opened the box and there they were, three "plastic" wigs. The plastic did not deter me from wearing them, with looks of "are you crazy" to "stupid" I prevailed. On another instance, I remember taking voice lessons in my formative years when a girl who I looked up to, wore a "fall." She was a little on the wealthy side as her parents owned "the furniture store" that everyone like to shop at in a neighboring town, so naturally I wanted to be like her and own a "fall" of my own. My mother and I spent all day shopping in the big city of Spartanburg, SC one Saturday and finally found one at Belks Department store. I also remember buying one of those long ponytails that you could find at your local dime store and pinning it to the back of my head with "Bobbi pins" as if people would think it was my real hair. Looking online at scarves, turbans, and head covers for "cancer patients" I suppose some wig company attached a cookie to me and while viewing facebook one day, I see a wig advertisement saying 100% real human hair, on sale for $89.00, which had been $310.00, with a statement of "looks so much like the real thing, they'll never know! I secretly place an order and await the arrival, unbeknownst to my husband. Several days later I receive a phone call from the delivery person asking if I would happen to be in the vicinity of the town I work in so he wouldn't have to make the long trek of coming to my house for delivery. I told him yes, and my "wig" was delivered to my workplace. I carefully removed it from the package and hid it in the workroom cabinet. While in town the other day, I had to stop by the office and leave the mail, after hours. My husband was with me and came into use the facilities. Taking him longer than I thought, I decided to get my wig out and put it on, trick him and ask if he could remove something from my eye as soon as he comes out of the restroom. He walks over to me and tells me to hold my head back under the light. With giggles and nose snorts, I finally bust out laughing. He steps back and gives me a look and says "what did you do to your hair?" I finally "fess up" and spill the beans. I'm not sure if I'll ever wear this wig, but it has already given me a story to tell for years to come!

"It's Just a Storm!"

In just one week, the fourth of July will have arrived. As I have said before, the next two weeks will be the "calm before the storm," being given the time for my mastectomy to heal as well as my emotions. I am headed to my daughter's in Wilmington, NC this weekend for some needed rest. Suspecting something awry with my breast the last time I was at her apartment and that the "winds of danger" were swirling about me, I placed an object on her couch arm when leaving, knowing that no one would be there to disturb it and wondering what would be my fate the next time I returned to see it or if I ever would. I am looking forward to going through the door and walking over to the couch and seeing this object, remembering all that God has brought me through since I laid it there. My next doctor's appointment is scheduled for Tuesday, July 9th, where I'll have a cardiogram and a meeting concerning my chemo schedule and all the details. I suspect I will begin chemo that week. Everytime I start to fear, the phone rings, an email comes in, a facebook message, a friend stops by, just to say...I love you...I'm thinking about you...I'm praying for you. How wonderful it is to know that there are so many people out there who genuinely care for you. A storm may be raging around me...but I am so thankful I know the ONE who can calm it!...He maketh the storm a calm, so that the waves thereof are still. Psalm 107:29

"Tomorrow, Another Day"

Just got back from having my chemo port put in. The actual procedure took somewhere around 40 minutes, however, all the preliminaries took close to 4 hours. The doctor decided to leave my mastectomy alone and let it finish healing without his intervention. I must say, I was glad to hear that. The port itself looks like a small protrusion on my upper right chest near the collarbone; totally covered with skin, and will be accessed by sticking the needle through each time I have treatment or for injections. I asked the doctor how would I recognize a hematoma and he looked at me out the corner of his eyes, a quick smile, and said...we're not expecting that, but gave me an answer anyway. A circle of prayer was said before heading to the operating room this morning with an emphasis on my not acquiring a hematoma. This all brings me one step closer to the day I dread the most, chemo. I was to call the office today or tomorrow, to get the date I began. Feeling a little tired and weary from the events of the day, I decided to call tomorrow, like Scarlett O'Hara's line in "Gone With the Wind... Afterall, tomorrow is another day!"

"Cancer Cannot"

I can't believe it's Sunday and tomorrow I get my port...I've already eaten my "last supper" and have begun to prepare myself mentally for the morning's deed. I've read some and spoke to those who've had ports put in and they tell me that it isn't bad. My mastectomy breast is still healing and practically 90 per cent better than last Wednesday when the doctor had to open it up and drain out all the "poison." There is a possibility that he will do the same while I'm "under" in the morning, but I hope and pray that's not the case. I am so ready for this thing to be healed and don't relish the thought of having to go through an incision and drain tube again! I went to church this morning. I hold things together pretty good in public, but when asked to pray in choir, I fell apart, thinking of how much each and everyone in that room meant to me and that this quite possibly would be my last time for awhile to be apart of them, made me really sad. I got up really early this morning and prepared lunch for all my children and grands. Someone made the comment that I should have let them do the honors instead of me, but it was something I wanted to do. There's nothing like having your babies around to make you feel better. I remember the day I first found out that I had breast cancer, all I wanted was my three children to be near to me...I even tried coaxing one or two of them to jump in bed and sleep the night with me and daddy like they did when little. After a few..."that's just weird" remarks, I abandoned the idea. Of course with hubby and I still sleeping in a double bed, this feat would have been next to impossible anyway, even if I'd had a partaker. A beautiful young lady friend of mine gave me a special throw to take with me when I have chemo...on it reads: "What Cancer Cannot Do!" Cancer is So Limited... It cannot cripple Love...It cannot shatter Hope...It cannot corrode Faith...It cannot destroy Peace...It cannot kill Friendship...It cannot suppress Memories...It cannot silence Courage...It cannot invade the Soul...It cannot steal eternal Life...it cannot conquer the Spirit...Anonymous

"My Thorn"

With every event in our life, it seems "throwing a party" is expected. Well, yesterday was indeed a day for my party...a "pity party." I have tried to be really strong and through the Lord, I am, but I am also "human." Dealing with an infected breast, which by the way seems to be healing, and just concentrating on the things to come, I began to ask God, "why me?" "what have I done to deserve this?" As soon as my husband came in from work, he could see that I was "flying low." He walked over to my Bible lying on the table, thumbing through...he turned to a passage of scripture and handed it to me...It was Paul, speaking of his infirmity, in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10. This passage gave me my relief... 7 And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. 8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. 9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong. So many things in life happen to us and we don't understand. I became so excited at the possibility of getting to go to Wilmington, NC for the fourth, knowing that when I return, chemo awaits. I have come to realize that I would do anything for just "one normal day!" I know that this is what God has given me, this is my cup and no one can drink from it but me. Lord, I know that "your grace is sufficient for me, I am weak, but YOU are strong!" This morning, I look out into the trees and see your magnificent glory of the sun shining all around. My prayer is that this "thorn" that I've been given, can be used for your glory!

"God Can Do It All!"

One of many days that I have feared the most...has apparently come and gone. Today was the day that I would hear my entire path report, be restaged, find out what kind of cancer and all about my treatment plan, but as my life goes...I had to deal with a little more before all that was "revealed." My mastectomy wound began to swell, turn color and cause me to run a low grade temp around two days ago. Several nights ago, I woke up and my shirt was soaked with fluid. Jumped up and saw that it was coming from my incision. I called up to the doctor and since I was coming in the next day I endured, even though they did give me the option of coming then. My doctor did an ultrasound and found that there was a hematoma, fluid and infection, so he opened the incision, cleaned it out and now I am wrapped up like a mummy and will have to experience more draining. I will go Monday morning for my port to be put in for chemo, but won't start treatment until mid July, so I can heal good first. I must say, I was a little glad. The doctor then sat my husband and I down to tell us all the news. He is such a Godly man, who let's you know up front that he can do some, I can do some...but GOD can do it ALL! He began by saying that my tumor was HER2+ which scared me to death. He went on to say that everything looked good, all my scans, blood, margins...there were 5 lymph nodes out of 14 which were positive and that I would need six months of chemo, radiation and a drug called Herceptin. I have to tell you that all of this scares me to death, but I have come to realize that whatever it takes to try to stay alive here on this earth with your husband, children and sweet darling grandchildren, I will do it and more. God bless this day and all the saints who have prayed for me and my family while waiting this news.

"Lopsided!"

Trying to work a full week...not sure if I'll succeed. Since I had my drains out, I've been watching my breast, or nonbreast, grow browner and browner, and tighter and tighter. I have a call into the doctor to see if that's normal. I really hope it is and that I don't have to drive all the way up to the office. My next doctor's visit is Wednesday afternoon and it will be good not to have to go before then. The people up at the office are probably ready to throw a rock at me! It feels good to be doing my regular things. Not feeling comfortable yet wearing a bra or any prosthetic, I just go "lopsided" and wear a button up shirt over a tee. It doesn't bother me at all for people who know that I've recently had a mastectomy to stare at my "flatside." I went to visit my mom in the nursing home today for the first time in about 2 weeks. Most of you are aware that she has dementia. I'm not sure how often I'll be able to visit her when I start chemo, but it was a really hard visit. A gentleman came by the office today who was dealing with a cancer scare of his own. He was elderly and was telling me that he hoped he had been a good father and husband. It broke my heart to see his eyes fill with tears in fear of what tomorrow's news may bring as he receives his biopsy report. Every emotion that I experienced and still must face on Wednesday came up. As he left the building, I was crying profusely. Driving to the nursing home later, my cell phone rang and it was a 90 year old acquaintance who had been given my cell number from work. He told me how he had been praying for me and that his daughter-in-law was going through the same thing and she was doing good. I always tease God about how He's showing out when he does something that is just so obvious to comfort me. I pray for each and everyone who is facing a giant in their life today.