"Crying Time Again!"

It's a Saturday, prior to the Wednesday that I go for my third treatment. When I rolled out of bed this morning, I knew that it was going to be a "crying day." I have found that when I get in one of these moods, nothing soothes me, like God's Word and fervent prayer. The only thing I can liken it to is the saying I used to hear as a child.."It feels like somebody just walked over my grave." Worry sets in and all the "what ifs" began to speak to you. A look in the mirror doesn't help matters either. I can actually say that I have had the scare of my life, only by seeing myself in all of my weakness. I have heard that during chemo, you have one bad week and two good ones, before you have to go again. But I am learning that the last week for me, can be the worse because I am the closest to my old self. My appetite is back, I am feeling stronger, I enjoy getting out more, and all of a sudden, BAM! I am reminded that only a few more days and I'll have to start all over again... I must stay on guard, on task of being the new label I've been given, a cancer patient. On days like today, I try to count my blessings, which I know are many. I just hope and pray that after all is said and done, God will raise up from the ashes; a new me.

"Hanging in There!"

It's been six days since my second treatment and I must say, I am still reeling somewhat. Bladder spasms, insomnia, a sore tongue and a touch of nausea has been the rule for several days now. Watching what I eat and drinking water is becoming a little annoying but helpful. I know it could be much worse, and I do remember that I dealt with most of the same with the first treatment. I have tons of nausea meds, but choose not to take any until it becomes necessary. Since several have been known to cause constipation and one a narcotic, I'll just try to stick it out, hoping that it will all end soon. The Neulasta shot that I had the day after treatment for the white blood count, was exactly as I had been told, "bone aching." I was sidelined on the couch all day with thoughts that tiny people were walking around my body with long needles, sticking them in my limbs. When my hair began to shed all over several weeks ago, I had it buzzed, I never dreamed I would soon have "stubble." If it all stays in through this treatment, I may have some hair in a few months or so; as gray as my mother's, but at least "hair." Through it all today, I have been to work, made a ton of spaghetti for all my kids, washed, dried and sorted laundry galore and still have a few more good hours left. Already dreading the third round, I cling to the thought that I have 15 days left to recover!

"Two Down!"

Well, today is my second day after my second chemo...not feeling a thing...so far...praising God for all HIS blessings! I did have to have a "neulasta shot" yesterday...instead of having a low white blood count like most chemo patients have, I had an elevated one, which could mean some infection somewhere. My doctor thinks that I still have a little infection from the abscessed tooth I had removed a month or so ago. I'm not sure. But, he decided to give me only a half dose of the drug. As I was sitting having my treatment, my cell phone rang and it was my "insurance navigator." She was inquiring as to how I was doing and if I had any questions about anything...I told her not that I could think of, and mentioned that I would be having a neulasta shot the next day. She told me that each shot cost $8,000.00. Since I received only a half of one, I guess I got a discount of $4,000.00. Forging on, taking a day at a time. I keep remembering the words of my doctor when I was first given my diagnosis. He said "Cancer will change your life forever!" This I know!

"Here We Go Again!"

As I head out the door this morning, I have that feeling as if I'm forgetting something. You know it...we all have it from time to time. I look in the rearview mirror in the car and can see I have my wig on, my tooth in and touch my right side to feel my bra padding. Alright, everything is present and accounted for! Walking into work, I reach for my cell phone, and there it "isn't!" Of all the items listed above, I was glad to know that the one missing was my cell phone! Another feeling I've been having is similar to one's first day at school, a big knot in my stomach, dreading the event, but wishing to hurry up and get it over with, my second chemo treatment. I have two days left to accumulate more anxiety. How wonderful it has felt to just be out of a doctor's office for the past 3 weeks. It was almost like being "normal" again. I have refilled my pill dispenser up with the necessary meds. I begin tomorrow taking my steroid meds, which is suppose to make me "hyper" and as I have learned...make me eat too much as well! The water drinking also begins tomorrow and escalates the day of and day after chemo. I must say, I am not looking forward to that. My first treatment was "do-able" I just hope this one follows suit. I am a little uneasy about the white blood cell injection that I will have to return for on Thursday, but know that with God's help, I'll make it through. I covet each and everyone of your prayers. Please lift me up on Wednesday and Thursday especially...love to you all!

"Letting Go!"

Waking up this morning to a pillow full of loose hair...I knew it was time for me to take the next step. Headed to work, I contemplated on my actions later in the day. Finally making the decision, I drive to a nearby mall and walk into a salon. I tell the lady at the desk my need and she informs me that she will be glad to do the honors. As I sit in the styling chair, I watch as I "let go" of one more part of me, my hair. I have to say that this event was way more emotional than what I had prepared myself for. I just have to do as a friend told me this morning "the thing you have to do, is keep reminding yourself that what you're going through is saving your life!" I'm not sure of what is yet to come...I do know that I am praying for God to do as my mom prayed "Let it stop at the "stop sign!" All I know is that when I walked across the parking lot into the mall this afternoon, I had a God beside me who is bigger than any need that you or I will ever have.

"What a Beautiful Day to Lose My Hair!"

It's a beautiful Sunday morning and I roll out of bed early to say goodbye to my granddaughter Savannah, who is headed back to college. Farewells are made with plenty of tears and "I Love You's." Afterwards, I step into the shower to prepare for church services. As I'm drying my hair, I feel like a thin veil is brushing against my upper body. I look into the sink and there are more hairs than I can count. Apparently, this is the long awaited day I have dreaded ever since the word "chemo" was mouthed by my doctor. I am alright with this. I know that hair or no hair, tooth or no tooth, breast or no breast is not who I am. So many times through the years, I have heard the scripture referred to that God looks inward while man looks outward. 1 Samuel 16:7 "....for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart." I praise God for all His blessings...and if it has to be...what a beautiful day to lose my hair!